After death
by Kaleidoscope.e
Summary: The last line pierces the woman's heart as they cheer around her. “Every... last one?” she repeats in a whisper but no one is listening. - Angst, rated T for suggested adult themes, Bleach verse, Ulquiorra x unknown.


Disclaimer : Bleach is Tite Kubo's. Lucky guy.

* * *

The war is over, someone announces :

Aizen has been defeated.  
Tousen received justice, just not the kind he wanted.  
Ichimaru Gin has fled, not alone they say.  
And what of the espada, another asks.  
The espada are dead.

Every last one of them.

The last line pierces the woman's heart as they cheer around her. "Every... last one?" she repeats in a whisper but no one is listening. They are too busy raising their arms in another chorus of acclamations.

Loud, warm voices.  
She feels cold.  
Every. Last. One.

Tears come to her eyes and she plays them off as tears of joy; they are anything but. How can they... How can he... He promised... He promised to stay alive for her. In the end, he followed his master's orders, he followed his duty. The shinigami woman turns and leaves. There is no reason to stay among the happy.

The following weeks keep her busy. Busy with paperwork, busy with re-organization and busy with helping control the chaos. She only hopes it's enough to control her own inner chaos. The third seat had perished in battle and a promotion is suggested for her; she rejects it. Her captain's confused eyes scrutinize the young woman. "You're at a lieutenant level but as I cannot offer that as ours is alive an well, I'm handing you the next best thing," Soifon begins "So step up." The woman still refuses, much to the annoyance of her taichou. The reality is, she doesn't want to lose her fourth seat and it's association with the number four...

The mornings are the worst. She wakes, sick and trembling, then rushes to the bathroom and lets the nausea overcome her; it's been like this for weeks. The young woman lets her exhausted body fall to the floor, eyes squeezed shut as she shakes. She knows she'll have to soon face the fact that something is... different in her body. Something that can't be what she thinks it is. She's considered going to Mayuri-taichou in the hopes of an answer but in truth, she finds him frightening and is sure he'd try to dissect her the moment he realized what she was implying.

So instead she ignores it and lies on the bathroom floor, morning after morning. Those are the most dangerous of times; she allows her mind to wander though it pains her to do so. She pictures his stoic features and serious, sad eyes. Their last meeting, their first and the ever rare twitch of a smile. Though she'd known what they were doing was a bad idea, something taboo, they'd still done it. She can't bring herself to regret the choices she made and because of this, the woman now lies on the floor, an image of what she's become. A sad woman, a lost woman.

An image of the orange haired boy comes to her next. The celebrated Kurosaki-san with all his specialties and unique abilities. How she hates him; she who used to be so amiable and gentle. She hates him with a fury that scares even her but she feels it's justified. He took something from her or rather someone. Someone she would do anything to have back, someone she will never see again. She knew she'd been playing with fire when she'd begun their... association with one another but she had allowed herself a sliver of faith and hope that it would end well.

It hadn't.

A friend mentions she looks different in her clothing as of late, she simply replies that she's trying a new style. She's sick during morning training, she blames bad fish. For every inquiry, she has an answer, an explanation and yet she still can't explain the biggest question of all. How can this be happening to her?

The answer is simple. It can't.

That's what she tells herself day after day. She lives in her denial. She accepts her refusal to believe.

Complete and total nihilism.

The same nihilism that killed him. His refusal to believe in them, his refusal to believe in the idea of emotions. No, he knew emotions; he knew hate, he knew annoyance, he knew contempt. He'd understood them all. But had he understood contentment, hope and dare she think it, compassion? She used to think he did, beneath the cold mask he wore but now, now she's un-sure.

Eventually, her denial will break. In a couple of weeks, she'll have no more excuses to use, no more reasons to give and no more ways to hide. In a couple of weeks, she'll have to make a decision, she'll have to leave the home she's always known for her own safety; she'll become a fugitive.

A voice comes from the other side of the door, pulling her from her thoughts.

"Hello? Are you alright in there?" The young woman recognizes the voice of a friend and the question takes her off guard. Is she alright? Her stomach flip flops as though answering for her.

"No... no I'm not." is the whispered reply, so soft that she herself can barely hear it. But eventually that will change.

Eventually, she will be alright.

Eventually.

* * *

**Author note **: First I just want to comment on the unnamed woman in this story. I've been getting quite a few questions about who the girl is so I thought I'd just clear that up first =]  
She's no one and anyone.

Though I know exactly who it is for me and how this story ends but, that doesn't mean it's necessarily the same person for you. I made her vague so that the reader could make of the situation and the character what they will.

I began writing this because of an idea my brother, a friend of mine and I have been tossing around. That topic being the espada and children. A very interesting topic actually. We came to slightly different conclusions but I believe it's possible. I actually do have a reason which I will not post here to save space but suffice to say I'm not pulling this one out of the air XD

I had a lot of fun writing this (I hope I got the right balance of !angst and sadness right.) and was helped by lots of sad music. It's hard getting into the "emo" frame of mind as people have been calling it. Emo. Pft. I am definitely not emo XD

Reviews are love! ^_^


End file.
